The Book of Doctrine

[Nathan]

The Story of the Road to Borders Bay

One day, the Butter Cow was walking down the road to the Borders Bay along with his 9 disciples. The sun was hot that day, and Butter Cow began to perspire and drip his sacred butter on the road. Butter Cow stopped when his disciples began crying and worshiping the spilled butter. "Why do you weep, my friends?" spake Butter Cow. "O blessed one, your butter has fallen to the ground, making it holy. We cannot walk on it, lest we blaspheme," replied Tony-called-Toni. "Oh ye fools!" cried Butter Cow, "Can ye not see it is a hot day, for I am made of lowly butter, dost though not expect me to drippeth on the road we walk?" At that, the 9 men stood up, and got back onto the road, and followed Butter Cow.

As it came to pass, the disciples' sneakers began to become very buttery and slick, having tread upon the butter dripping form the venerable image of the Butter Cow. Several of the men slipped and fell on the road. Butter Cow stopped and turned. "Why do you fall, my disciples?" One of the men, Ringo, replied "We slip, for the road is made slick and buttery by your drippings, for the sun is hot and you are made of lowly butter." "Fools!" replied the Butter Cow, "For what wouldst thou expect, walking behind a being made of lowly butter? Therefore, thou shalt henceforth walk before me." And so the men did.

[Nathan]

The Story of the False Cow

Three of the disciples of the Butter Cow, Joelle, Sherrith, and Nathaniel, went on the pilgrimage to Butter Cow City to gaze upon the image of the Butter Cow at the fair held there every year. Upon entering the Dairy Hall, the shrine to that year's image, Nathaniel could see a problem. "The image of the reverent Cow is not in its proper altar," he said to Sherrith and Joelle as they entered. The image of the Cow had been placed in a rotating altar, in the center of the Dairy Hall, with many creatures, also made of butter, surrounding the reverent image.

The disciples were aghast at the display of blasphemy and sought out the masters of the fair to protest. The masters defended the image by saying, "It is written that every year a new image of the Cow was to be made, as the specific breed of the reverent Butter Cow is unknown, and so a new breed was to be represented every year. And if a new image was to be made every year, why should not realistic additions be added to the image of the Cow?"

Joelle thus spake, "As you say it is written that a new breed of cow be represented each year. But it is not written that any additions be made to the perfect image of the reverent Butter Cow. To do so is to imply imperfection in the image of the Cow, to suggest it requires additional creatures. Burn this image, I say, for it is an abomination unto the Cow! Let the butter seep into the ground, for it has been tainted and is now only fit for the worms of the earth."

Ashamed, the masters did as the disciples commanded.

[Nathan]

The Story of the Vices on Mount Vice

As it came to pass, the Butter Cow and one of his nine disciples, Branflake, were walking along the road from Pavleton to Vice City. When they came to the foothills of Mount Vice, Branflake lamented "One does not simply walk into Vice City." To which the Butter Cow replied, "O ye fool! One simply climbs into Vice City, for it is built on the peak of Mount Vice, the tallest mountain in the land." And so they climbed.

When they came to the ancient, man-made plateau that Vice City was built on, they were shocked to see a menagerie of vice and sin. Branflake lamented, "O Cow! Dost thou see the men laying with men as with women? And the all thou can eateth shrimp bar? And then the men laying with men as with women whilst eating all thou can eateth shrimp?"

And the reverent Butter Cow gazed upon the abominations and vices. Soon he turned to Branflake and spake thusly, "Well that... that's just fine."

And Branflake was left on the street to view the abominations as the reverent Butter Cow walked into the nearest all thou can eateth lobster bar, for he had his own butter for dressing it in.

[Nathan]

The Revelation to Saint Biffor

The Revelation of the reverent Butter Cow of the things which will come to pass as given to his disciple, Biffor, who bare witness to this account.

And lo, I saw the many lesser cows amongst the other creatures of the earth, grazing and mowing. Then the sky opened up and there was a great disturbance. From the sky came forth a demon shaped like a saucer with goggles.

The demon terrorized the cows and creatures of the earth and took them up into its belly. There is did horrendous things to the cow, it sliced them and played music with their entrails.

And then there was a room with many tubes. In it were cows being grown in a most unnatural way. The reverent Butter Cow saw this and was not pleased. He commanded one of the cows to grow, and thus it grew as a tumor, uncontrolled until it caused the demon to erupt and burst. Still the cow continued to grow until it let forth its own spawn into the world.

These spawn went on to terrorize and eat the other creatures of earth, for they were spawn of the Margarine Cow, who had been created by the demon, yet given life by the Butter Cow, therefore the Margarine Cow desired only destruction, for it knew not if it were good or evil, for it was made of both and yet therefore neither.

The demons came forth again, to subdue and control the Margarine Cow. They succeeded. However, as the Margarine Cow fell to the earth, it summoned forth material from the city with dimensions of one mile squared. The material became Mecha-Margarine Cow, and battled the demon with a dozen eyes which had come from the sky.

And thus the two titans fought for 40 seconds until the sky opened up yet again and a great mechanical beast began to rain fire upon the earth. The Mecha-Margarine Cow rode the demon with a dozen eyes into space and to the moon.

As soon as the Mecha-Margarine Cow had left the planet with the demons, there was then no evil upon the earth's surface. The Butter Cow saw this and took up all of his faithful to live with him for eternity in Dairyland.

There in space the Mecha-Margarine Cow saw the destruction on the face of the earth caused by the large mechanical beast, and seeing no other option, thrust the moon down onto the beast and earth, killing 1/4 of the world's population in the process.

He then returned to earth, which now only had the heathens, and he set up his centurial kingdom of false butter gods, strict intolerance, and Victorian sensibilities.

And those in Dairyland looked down upon their brothers and sisters and felt pity. And they laughed.

[Nathan]

The Law as Revealed to Saint Taznim

And it came to pass that a lowly turtle farmer by the name of Taznim was herding her turtles across the great Klaasiyan plains, when suddenly a great voice spoke. Taznim was afraid for she knew not where the voice came from, and so she began to cower behind one of the larger turtles.

"Do not be afraid, my child, for I am the voice of the one true Cow. You have been chosen as you have forsaken all other cows before you and now are a shepherd of turtles, one of my noblest creations."

Taznim became less afraid and heard more clearly the voice now. It seemed to be coming from behind a large rock. "Do not come near the large rock, for you will be disappointed to learn that I am certainly not behind the rock, but my voice is emanating from the rock! Do not come to the rock or I will ... curse you and your children for seven and seventy generations!" Taznim was again afraid, but did not intend to have children, so she ventured closer to the rock.

"Fool! You have invoked the wrath of the Cow! I will now leave in disgust in the form of a cow made of butter to shame you and show my power!" And with that the Butter Cow ran away from behind the rock.

Taznim saw that a stone tablet was left behind the rock and picked it up. On it were inscribed the Laws of the one true Cow. All who obeyed this law will find favor with the Cow and live with him in Dairyland for eternity.

Thou will not murder. Thou will not steal. Thou will not lie. Thou will not worship any other Cow. Thou will honor thy dairy farmers. Thou will embrace thy neighbor's strange customs. Thou will not covet thy neighbor's ass, thou will go to the gym instead.

And so, Taznim, having been shamed and cursed by the almighty Cow, was now the prophet of the Cow's law unto her people, the tribe of the Neemites. The Neemites will follow this law and become the chosen people of the Cow.

[Nathan]

Account of St. Biffor Regarding the Fruit of the Margarine Cow, the Grapefruit.

The sun was high as Biffor strolled through the orange orchard of Doza admiring all that the reverent Butter Cow had created. So fair and beautiful were the trees and oranges that hung from them that Biffor wandered among them in awe until he realised that the day was all but spent and that he had wandered so far into the fair orange grove that he no longer knew the way out. Distressed he lifted his face to the heavens and prayed for guidance. There before him appeared the image of the reverent Butter Cow and Biffor was overjoyed.
“Fool!” spake the Butter Cow, “Why have you wandered so carelessly into the orange grove? Is it that you were admiring all my creations?”
“It is so, reverent one, I was so awe struck by the beauty of your trees and oranges that I wandered for countless hours and cannot find my way out again!”
To which the reverent Butter Cow replied: “As I thought. I will show you the way out on one condition, do not pick any of the fruit of the trees for they are not yet ripe for picking.”
Biffor agreed although he had been walking all day and was by this time very hungry. The image of the holy Butter Cow turned to lead the way. As the holy one set off towards the orange grove's edge, Biffor saw the largest and most juicy orange he had ever seen. Over come by greed he stretched out his hand to it, picked it from the branch and slipped into his pocket for fear of being seen disobeying the reverent one's order.
As they walked Biffor received much wisdom from the Butter Cow on many subjects, from the evils of wearing socks with sandals to the virtues of Mel Brookes' movies.
At last they came to the edge of the trees and Biffor was overjoyed. Suddenly, feeling the guilt of his disobedience, he confessed to the reverent Butter Cow.
“Oh holy Butter Cow I have degraded myself by disobeying your order not to pick any fruit of the trees!”
“Fool!” said the Butter Cow, “Does thou think I did not notice? Do not attempt to tell me that great bulge in your pocket is because you are pleased to see me!”
Biffor pulled the orange from his pocket and held it out to the Butter Cow and the Butter Cow said, “You picked it and you carried it, eat it. For are you not hungry?”
Biffor, feeling reprieved hurriedly peeled the juicy orange and took a large bite. “BLARGH!” screamed Biffor.
“Yes!” smiled the Butter Cow, “For your disobedience I have changed the orange into a grapefruit, the cursed fruit of the Margarine Cow! Eat it and be cleansed of the sin that it brought you.”
Biffor ate the grapefruit, though the sourness contorted his face, and he was glad.

[Nathan]

Account of St. Nathaniel of the War That Does Not Exist

During the a war that was not part of our own actual history Nathaniel was hearing damage reports from the air strike when suddenly he noticed a strange smell on the bridge of his vessel. He turned to see a small man, smoking marijuana, wearing a Margarian hat covering his dreadlocks that draped down his filthy tie dyed shirt. The entire bridge was silent except for the faint beeping of equipment and the sound of this mysterious hippie inhaling from his joint. The emperor turned and whispered to his adjunct, "ensign... who the hell is that disgusting man?" The ensign turned bright red "s-s-sir... er... y-your majesty... s-sir... he is a ... er... peace delegation from Fifty Elk Island, brought aboard as part of his professed neutrality and... our... er... y-your majesty's own policy of hospitality toward neutrals as a show of Natopian civility... s-sir." Nathaniel nodded... "well... I don't like him. Please throw him off this ship. And ensign... literally. Throw him off... this boat... understood?" The ensign saluted and ordered some crewman to grab the hippie and drag him to the bow. Nathaniel turned back to his reports. "Well men... I frankly don't care anymore. I'll be taking the helicopter and be on my way. I authorize Plan Omega... godspeed gentlemen... I would say it was an honor serving with you... but... I really didn't get to know you that well." And as Nathaniel left the bridge, he heard the faint splash of the hippie being tossed overboard. He made his way to the special armored anti-grav copter, and took off... toward the north pole, away from hostilities.

The commanders on the bridge we're gloomily going about plan Omega... all fighter and bomber pilots were ordered to do kamikaze strikes against the Nova English and Novatainian fleets. They had solace knowing that any Natopian who died during a plan Omega strike was assured entrance into the Bovinist heaven, Dairyland... with 72 virgin calves for their pleasure. The Pentheros of the Dozan Bovic Church, has the authority to grant such allowances.

And thus the Foolish Martyrs of the War That Does Not Exist earned their canonization in the Fodder of Saints... fulfilling the Pentheros' divine prophecies.