C: 0
Post by Z on Dec 24, 2005 13:39:28 GMT -6
THEATRE 2 FINAL ONE ACT
MONKEY WRENCH
CHARACTERS 1& 2 ARE CHAINED TO A WALL IN THE STUDIO THEATRE. A BODY LIES ON THE FLOOR.
GUY 1: Hey.
GUY 2: Hey.
GUY 1: Do I know you?
GUY 2: Yeah. You’re in my Theatre class.
GUY 1: Were you in the first theatre class?
GUY 2: No. This is the sequel. Theatre 2.
GUY 1: Why are we chained in class? And why’s there a dead guy?
GUY 2: How do I know? How do you know he’s dead? Did you kill him?
ENTER TURDY CENTS
TURDY CENTS: Yo, you! I’m Turdy cents.
BODY: He said Turd!
TURDY CENTS: Did you die tryin’ to get rich?
GUY 1: Hey. What are you doing in our scene?
TURDY CENTS: I’ve come to take you to the candy shop.
GUY 2: What do you mean?
TURDY CENTS: I got the magic stick.
HARRY POTTER ENTERS
ENTER HARRY POTTER
HARRY POTTER: No, I’m Harry Potter and I’ve got the magic stick.
TURDY CENTS SHOOTS HIM
GUY 1: Wow, I thought Harry Potter had three more movies to go.
GUY 2: Maybe he’s not dead!
TURDY CENTS: Are you saying I didn’t kill him? This is how you kill somebody. (HE STABS HARRY POTTER SEVERAL TIMES) Damn! Now I gotta get rid of this body.
TURDY CENTS DRAGS OFF THE BODY, BUT NOT BEFORE DROPPING A CASSETTE TAPE.
GUY 1: Do you think he killed that guy too?
GUY 2: Are you accussing him just because he’s black.
GUY 1: He’s not black—he’s Zack.
GUY 2: Look, he left a tape. Do you think it’ll say why we’re here?
GUY 1: We gotta find out. But we don’t have a tape player.
GUY 2: Hey, do any of you have a tape player?
GUY 1: Yeah, we need a tape player over here.
GUY 2: A little help please?
BODY SLOWLY PRODUCES A TAPE PLAYER
GUY 1: Look! The dead guy has one.
GUY 2: How come we didn’t notice that before?
GUY 1: Oh great! No power. We need an extension cord.
GUY 2: Oh, I have one in my pocket. (HE PULLS A LONG OLD EXTENSION CORD OUT OF HIS POCKET
GUY 1: But we can’t reach the tape. Maybe we can throw something at it and make it reach over here.
TWO GUYS TRY TO REACH THE TAPE WITH THE EXTENSION CORD, A SHOE, ETC., TO NO AVAIL.
GUY 2: Hey, audience, can somebody get the tape for us? (AN AUDIENCE MEMBER HELPS OUT) Thanks, Skippy. Here we go.
GUY 2 PUTS THE TAPE IN THE TAPE PLAYER.
TAPE: Testing—1-2-3…I don’t think this thing is working (MOTHER’S VOICE ON TAPE: “Andrew, dinner’s ready!”) Coming, mom. Wait, oh, this is on. (TAPE VOICE CHANGES) Good afternoon. You may be wondering why you’re here. You two have a relationship that you may not be aware of.
GUY 1: We know that. We’re both in Theatre 2.
TAPE: Dammit! Well, o.k., you know that—but why are you here?
GUY 2: We don’t know.
TAPE: I didn’t think you did, wiseasses. Do you want to play a game?
GUY 1: I love games! Risk, Sorry, Mousetrap—
GUY 2: Mousetrap sucks as a game! Nobody plays it as a real game. You just make the mousetrap.
GUY 1: And it never quite works. There’s also that one piece that doesn’t quite match up.
TAPE: The tub!
GUY 2: Right! The tub! Then the marble goes across the room…
GUY 1: Or your cat walks across the board and knocks everything over…
TAPE: Or you lose a piece.
GUY 2: Right! The see-saw guy! You lose him, it’s over.
TAPE: THAT’S NOT THE GAME I’M TALKING ABOUT!
GUY 1: How about Operation?
GUY 2: I LOVE THAT GAME!
TAPE: You will be performing an operation. First, you need a pen.
GUY 1: I’ve got a pen.
TAPE: And you need a toaster.
GUY 2: I have a toaster!
GUY 1: I have bread!
TAPE: Good. Now, put the bread in the toaster.
GUY 1: Not….toast!
TAPE: Oh yes, there will be toast.
GUY 1: No! Why are you doing this to us? Toast? Not toast! It’s too horrible!
GUY 2: I can take toast—but not chicken cordon bleu. Especially microwave chicken cordon bleu.
GUY 1: Chicken cordon bleu? Listen here, Jacques: you’re from New Jersey. We say blue here.
GUY 2: Some of us just like to speak with a little European class and culture.
TAPE: Don’t be pompous. Do you want to get out of here or not? Are you thinking someone will save you? Nobody knows you’re here. Nobody can even get in here.
REAL ESTATE AGENT, MAN AND WOMAN ENTER
REAL ESTATE AGENT: And this is the Studio Theatre.
WOMAN: Oh, look Dennis, we haven’t seen a house with a studio theatre.
MAN: Yes, complete with an audience.
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Yes, the audience is already built-in.
WOMAN STEPS ON BODY
WOMAN: And look at this charming décor.
GUY 1: Hey, get us out of here!
GUY 2: Hey, can you call the police for us? Got a hacksaw? Oh and could you settle a question for us? Do you say chicken cordon bleu or blue?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: And this house is situated in a really rural area. We are way out in the wilderness.
ENTER TWO GORILLAS. THEY DO GORILLA ANTICS
GORILLA 1: It’s chicken cordon bleu.
EXIT GORILLAS
GUY 2: You see?
GUY 1: You’re gonna take some gorilla’s word for it?
WOMAN: Well, that was certainly freaky-deaky. But are there enough rooms for our 18 kids?
MAN: Yes, that’s a good question. This house is far from my coast guard base.
WOMAN: But I like this house.
MAN: Well, if you like it, then I can be yours, mine and ours
MAN AND WOMAN PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER. GORILLAS STICK THEIR HEADS THROUGH THE DOORS
GORILLAS: Aww!
GORILLAS RE-EXIT
REAL ESTATE AGENT: And the rent is so cheap. And now, if you’ll follow me into the scene shop, I’ll show you…..
EXIT REAL ESTATE AGENT, MAN, AND WOMAN. REENTER THE GORILLAS
GORILLA 1: Rent? Did someone say “Rent?”
(Singing) 525,600 minutes—how do you measure a year?
In chicken cordon blue, in hot buttered toast, in hacksaws and mousetraps,
GORILLA 2: In tape players, pens, and new monkey wrenches
ALL: New monkey wrenches!
GUY 1: Monkey wrenches? There weren’t any monkey wrenches.
GORILLA 2: Don’t call my girlfriend a wench.
GUY 2: No. He said wrench.
BODY: He said turd.
ENTER ELIZABETH FROM PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
ELIZABETH: Excuse me, I’m looking for a husband, preferably a nobleman. Preferably a good-looking nobleman.
GORILLA 1: How about me?
ELIZABETH: No thank you.
GORILLA 1: Is it because I’m a gorilla? You have too much pride and predjudice!
BODY: Very funny way to work in another current movie.
ELIZABETH: Ooh, hello there, I’ve always been attracted to a man who’s horizontal.
GUY 1: You know who’s attractive?
GUY 2: No, who?
GUY 1: I’d say Prince Charming in “Cinderella.”
GUY 2: Oh, well, if you’re gonna talk cartoon hotties, ya gotta go with Jessica Rabbit.
BODY: I haven’t always been horizontal, if you know what I mean.
GORILLA 1: I’d go with Rafiki.
GORILLA 2: Holy shit, a talking gorilla!
ELIZABETH: But are you the man for me?
BODY: We could play a game and find out.
GORILLA 1: You could play “Sock’em Boppers!”
GORILLAS 1 & 2: (Singing) Sock’em Boppers, Sock’em Boppers,
More fun than a pillow fight
Blow ‘em up, put your hands inside;
Get ready to have the time of your life!
GORILLA 1: Everybody now!
GORILLA 2: Wait, let’s not play Sock’em Boppers. Let’s play Quidditch! See, I’m Harry Potter and I’m not dead!
TURDY CENTS (Re-enters) Yo, yo, sucka, you are now (He shoots Harry Potter)
GORILLA 1: No! No! He’s gone! Alack, alack! He and I shared many a banana. We’d swing from tree to tree, frolicking, grooming, spooning. And now he’s gone. I beat my chest with grief! (He does so) Oh well, it’s a jungle out there.
TURDY CENTS: Damn! Another body to get rid of
TURDY CENTS DRAGS OUT HARRY POTTER.
GORILLA 1: Well, two gorillas are company, one gorilla is just weird.
GORILLA 1 EXITS
ELIZABETH: You know, I think it’s all over between us.
BODY: What? We haven’t even started!
ELIZABETH: Different genres, different movies, different time periods. What were we thinking? You’re from a B horror movie, and I’m an adaptation of classical literature. Good day, sir!
ELIZABETH EXITS
BODY: Wait! Was it someone I killed? Oh well, I guess we were just two crazy kids trying to grab the brass ring on the carousel of love. I guess I’m off too.
BODY STANDS UP AND EXITS, LEAVING A MONKEY WRENCH BEHIND HIM
GUY 1: Wait! Wait! What about us? How do we get out of here?
GUY 2: Look, he left a monkey wrench!
GUY 1: Can you reach it?
GUY 2: I don’t think so (He strains to reach the monkey wrench) It’s…it’s….too…..
far…..Must…..keep…..trying (He collapses after his ordeal)
GUY 1: Uh, dude?
GUY 2: (Trying again) O.k…..mustn’t…..give…..up. Must…..keep….trying…..
GUY 1: Uh, dude?
GUY 2: Uh, it’s just….beyond…..my…..reach……
GUY1: Yo, fella?
GUY 2: I….can’t….take…..much….more……
GUY 1: Wait! Your chain isn’t even attached.
GUY 2: What? Oh yeah. Huh. How about that? Try yours.
GUY1: Hey, what do ya know? Mine isn’t either. Well, might as well get going.
GUY 2: O.k. See ya at formal dinner. Hey, I think it’s chicken cordon blue tonight.
GUY 1: No, that’s bleu.
GUY 2: No, man, that’s blue. This is New Jersey, and we don’t talk like…BLACKOUT
MONKEY WRENCH
CHARACTERS 1& 2 ARE CHAINED TO A WALL IN THE STUDIO THEATRE. A BODY LIES ON THE FLOOR.
GUY 1: Hey.
GUY 2: Hey.
GUY 1: Do I know you?
GUY 2: Yeah. You’re in my Theatre class.
GUY 1: Were you in the first theatre class?
GUY 2: No. This is the sequel. Theatre 2.
GUY 1: Why are we chained in class? And why’s there a dead guy?
GUY 2: How do I know? How do you know he’s dead? Did you kill him?
ENTER TURDY CENTS
TURDY CENTS: Yo, you! I’m Turdy cents.
BODY: He said Turd!
TURDY CENTS: Did you die tryin’ to get rich?
GUY 1: Hey. What are you doing in our scene?
TURDY CENTS: I’ve come to take you to the candy shop.
GUY 2: What do you mean?
TURDY CENTS: I got the magic stick.
HARRY POTTER ENTERS
ENTER HARRY POTTER
HARRY POTTER: No, I’m Harry Potter and I’ve got the magic stick.
TURDY CENTS SHOOTS HIM
GUY 1: Wow, I thought Harry Potter had three more movies to go.
GUY 2: Maybe he’s not dead!
TURDY CENTS: Are you saying I didn’t kill him? This is how you kill somebody. (HE STABS HARRY POTTER SEVERAL TIMES) Damn! Now I gotta get rid of this body.
TURDY CENTS DRAGS OFF THE BODY, BUT NOT BEFORE DROPPING A CASSETTE TAPE.
GUY 1: Do you think he killed that guy too?
GUY 2: Are you accussing him just because he’s black.
GUY 1: He’s not black—he’s Zack.
GUY 2: Look, he left a tape. Do you think it’ll say why we’re here?
GUY 1: We gotta find out. But we don’t have a tape player.
GUY 2: Hey, do any of you have a tape player?
GUY 1: Yeah, we need a tape player over here.
GUY 2: A little help please?
BODY SLOWLY PRODUCES A TAPE PLAYER
GUY 1: Look! The dead guy has one.
GUY 2: How come we didn’t notice that before?
GUY 1: Oh great! No power. We need an extension cord.
GUY 2: Oh, I have one in my pocket. (HE PULLS A LONG OLD EXTENSION CORD OUT OF HIS POCKET
GUY 1: But we can’t reach the tape. Maybe we can throw something at it and make it reach over here.
TWO GUYS TRY TO REACH THE TAPE WITH THE EXTENSION CORD, A SHOE, ETC., TO NO AVAIL.
GUY 2: Hey, audience, can somebody get the tape for us? (AN AUDIENCE MEMBER HELPS OUT) Thanks, Skippy. Here we go.
GUY 2 PUTS THE TAPE IN THE TAPE PLAYER.
TAPE: Testing—1-2-3…I don’t think this thing is working (MOTHER’S VOICE ON TAPE: “Andrew, dinner’s ready!”) Coming, mom. Wait, oh, this is on. (TAPE VOICE CHANGES) Good afternoon. You may be wondering why you’re here. You two have a relationship that you may not be aware of.
GUY 1: We know that. We’re both in Theatre 2.
TAPE: Dammit! Well, o.k., you know that—but why are you here?
GUY 2: We don’t know.
TAPE: I didn’t think you did, wiseasses. Do you want to play a game?
GUY 1: I love games! Risk, Sorry, Mousetrap—
GUY 2: Mousetrap sucks as a game! Nobody plays it as a real game. You just make the mousetrap.
GUY 1: And it never quite works. There’s also that one piece that doesn’t quite match up.
TAPE: The tub!
GUY 2: Right! The tub! Then the marble goes across the room…
GUY 1: Or your cat walks across the board and knocks everything over…
TAPE: Or you lose a piece.
GUY 2: Right! The see-saw guy! You lose him, it’s over.
TAPE: THAT’S NOT THE GAME I’M TALKING ABOUT!
GUY 1: How about Operation?
GUY 2: I LOVE THAT GAME!
TAPE: You will be performing an operation. First, you need a pen.
GUY 1: I’ve got a pen.
TAPE: And you need a toaster.
GUY 2: I have a toaster!
GUY 1: I have bread!
TAPE: Good. Now, put the bread in the toaster.
GUY 1: Not….toast!
TAPE: Oh yes, there will be toast.
GUY 1: No! Why are you doing this to us? Toast? Not toast! It’s too horrible!
GUY 2: I can take toast—but not chicken cordon bleu. Especially microwave chicken cordon bleu.
GUY 1: Chicken cordon bleu? Listen here, Jacques: you’re from New Jersey. We say blue here.
GUY 2: Some of us just like to speak with a little European class and culture.
TAPE: Don’t be pompous. Do you want to get out of here or not? Are you thinking someone will save you? Nobody knows you’re here. Nobody can even get in here.
REAL ESTATE AGENT, MAN AND WOMAN ENTER
REAL ESTATE AGENT: And this is the Studio Theatre.
WOMAN: Oh, look Dennis, we haven’t seen a house with a studio theatre.
MAN: Yes, complete with an audience.
REAL ESTATE AGENT: Yes, the audience is already built-in.
WOMAN STEPS ON BODY
WOMAN: And look at this charming décor.
GUY 1: Hey, get us out of here!
GUY 2: Hey, can you call the police for us? Got a hacksaw? Oh and could you settle a question for us? Do you say chicken cordon bleu or blue?
REAL ESTATE AGENT: And this house is situated in a really rural area. We are way out in the wilderness.
ENTER TWO GORILLAS. THEY DO GORILLA ANTICS
GORILLA 1: It’s chicken cordon bleu.
EXIT GORILLAS
GUY 2: You see?
GUY 1: You’re gonna take some gorilla’s word for it?
WOMAN: Well, that was certainly freaky-deaky. But are there enough rooms for our 18 kids?
MAN: Yes, that’s a good question. This house is far from my coast guard base.
WOMAN: But I like this house.
MAN: Well, if you like it, then I can be yours, mine and ours
MAN AND WOMAN PUT THEIR HEADS TOGETHER. GORILLAS STICK THEIR HEADS THROUGH THE DOORS
GORILLAS: Aww!
GORILLAS RE-EXIT
REAL ESTATE AGENT: And the rent is so cheap. And now, if you’ll follow me into the scene shop, I’ll show you…..
EXIT REAL ESTATE AGENT, MAN, AND WOMAN. REENTER THE GORILLAS
GORILLA 1: Rent? Did someone say “Rent?”
(Singing) 525,600 minutes—how do you measure a year?
In chicken cordon blue, in hot buttered toast, in hacksaws and mousetraps,
GORILLA 2: In tape players, pens, and new monkey wrenches
ALL: New monkey wrenches!
GUY 1: Monkey wrenches? There weren’t any monkey wrenches.
GORILLA 2: Don’t call my girlfriend a wench.
GUY 2: No. He said wrench.
BODY: He said turd.
ENTER ELIZABETH FROM PRIDE AND PREJUDICE
ELIZABETH: Excuse me, I’m looking for a husband, preferably a nobleman. Preferably a good-looking nobleman.
GORILLA 1: How about me?
ELIZABETH: No thank you.
GORILLA 1: Is it because I’m a gorilla? You have too much pride and predjudice!
BODY: Very funny way to work in another current movie.
ELIZABETH: Ooh, hello there, I’ve always been attracted to a man who’s horizontal.
GUY 1: You know who’s attractive?
GUY 2: No, who?
GUY 1: I’d say Prince Charming in “Cinderella.”
GUY 2: Oh, well, if you’re gonna talk cartoon hotties, ya gotta go with Jessica Rabbit.
BODY: I haven’t always been horizontal, if you know what I mean.
GORILLA 1: I’d go with Rafiki.
GORILLA 2: Holy shit, a talking gorilla!
ELIZABETH: But are you the man for me?
BODY: We could play a game and find out.
GORILLA 1: You could play “Sock’em Boppers!”
GORILLAS 1 & 2: (Singing) Sock’em Boppers, Sock’em Boppers,
More fun than a pillow fight
Blow ‘em up, put your hands inside;
Get ready to have the time of your life!
GORILLA 1: Everybody now!
GORILLA 2: Wait, let’s not play Sock’em Boppers. Let’s play Quidditch! See, I’m Harry Potter and I’m not dead!
TURDY CENTS (Re-enters) Yo, yo, sucka, you are now (He shoots Harry Potter)
GORILLA 1: No! No! He’s gone! Alack, alack! He and I shared many a banana. We’d swing from tree to tree, frolicking, grooming, spooning. And now he’s gone. I beat my chest with grief! (He does so) Oh well, it’s a jungle out there.
TURDY CENTS: Damn! Another body to get rid of
TURDY CENTS DRAGS OUT HARRY POTTER.
GORILLA 1: Well, two gorillas are company, one gorilla is just weird.
GORILLA 1 EXITS
ELIZABETH: You know, I think it’s all over between us.
BODY: What? We haven’t even started!
ELIZABETH: Different genres, different movies, different time periods. What were we thinking? You’re from a B horror movie, and I’m an adaptation of classical literature. Good day, sir!
ELIZABETH EXITS
BODY: Wait! Was it someone I killed? Oh well, I guess we were just two crazy kids trying to grab the brass ring on the carousel of love. I guess I’m off too.
BODY STANDS UP AND EXITS, LEAVING A MONKEY WRENCH BEHIND HIM
GUY 1: Wait! Wait! What about us? How do we get out of here?
GUY 2: Look, he left a monkey wrench!
GUY 1: Can you reach it?
GUY 2: I don’t think so (He strains to reach the monkey wrench) It’s…it’s….too…..
far…..Must…..keep…..trying (He collapses after his ordeal)
GUY 1: Uh, dude?
GUY 2: (Trying again) O.k…..mustn’t…..give…..up. Must…..keep….trying…..
GUY 1: Uh, dude?
GUY 2: Uh, it’s just….beyond…..my…..reach……
GUY1: Yo, fella?
GUY 2: I….can’t….take…..much….more……
GUY 1: Wait! Your chain isn’t even attached.
GUY 2: What? Oh yeah. Huh. How about that? Try yours.
GUY1: Hey, what do ya know? Mine isn’t either. Well, might as well get going.
GUY 2: O.k. See ya at formal dinner. Hey, I think it’s chicken cordon blue tonight.
GUY 1: No, that’s bleu.
GUY 2: No, man, that’s blue. This is New Jersey, and we don’t talk like…BLACKOUT
