Post by Nathan on Sept 17, 2005 17:10:18 GMT -6
"The Bubonic Plague" A Short Skit
Co-Authored by Nathan Shepard
Scene I, French Stupidity
[Corresponding sign is held]
French peasant #1: Did you get the hemlock poison liked I asked for?
French peasant #2: Oui, I have it in my stinky pocket, next to my stinky cheese. Have you found the well, monsieur?
Peasant #1: Oui! I have chosen the one right beside our camp.
Peasant #2: Brilliant! No one would suspect that we’d poison our own well. We French are so smart!
Peasant #1: To make us seem even more innocent, we shall blame the Jews. [Evil French-like laugh]
Peasant #2: Oui, it is a fool-proof plan, not even us French could mess it up.
Scene I ½, Jews Get Blamed
[Corresponding sign is held]
Peasant #3: Oh boy, I am as thirsty as… [Thinks] … a French person. I shall take a drink from the French well, surely it will be the cleanest. [Drinks from well and falls to the ground]
[Peasant #1 and #2 run over to the well and Peasant #3 springs up and grabs one of their arms]
Peasant #3: The water! [Dies]
Peasant #2: It is the Jews who have killed our beloved French brother. They have poisoned our water! Now we have to dump him in the stinky mass graveyard, because that is what happens when you die in the Middle Ages during a plague.
Scene II, The Doctor
[Corresponding sign is held]
Noblewoman: Doctor, I have drunk from the French well, and now I am terribly sick… terribly sick! [Cries] You must give me a remedy for my sickness.
Doctor: I could give you some medicine [Frowns] or we can try bloodletting! [Laughs maniacally]
Noblewoman: I have prayed for mercy from the Virgin Mary and the saints to get rid of the evil spirits. Doctor I want you to do whatever is the most painful procedure, I am a delicate and dainty noblewoman.
Doctor: [Laughs maniacally] Then there is no option other then [Pause] bloodletting! But first we must wait until nighttime.
[Sign with “Nighttime” is held up]
Doctor: Look, the moon! Because the moon is at the Waxing Crescent Waning Gibbous phase and because it makes a 312 degree angle with the North Star and the fact that today is Tuesday, I shall let your blood, madam.
Noblewoman: Oh my word, you are the most intelligent person I know. I feel safe now. I will now let you let my blood. Surely I will be cured of my sickness now.
Doctor: To begin the bloodletting procedure, gouge your forearm on this stake that is inside this Evil-Spirit-Collection Device, patented by Doctor Merlin himself.
Noblewoman: Oh! Pretty!
Scene II ½, The Barber
[Corresponding sign is held]
[Peasant #1 walks into the barbershop]
Peasant #1: Bonjour, Barber, I am a poor French peasant who has drunk from the usually clean French well. But although I am plague invested, I really want a haircut. I don’t want to leave an unstylish corpse, you know.
Barber: I shall cut your hair, but first I will cut your forearm to get rid of the bad blood, and cure you of the Bubonic Plague.
[Barber attacks Peasant #1 with overly large scissors, resulting in the loss of the peasant’s entire arm]
Peasant: You cut off my arm!
Barber: ‘tis but a scratch, and at least all the bad blood is gone. I’ll throw in a free haircut, because you are poor and cannot have the doctor sew your arm back on and I unfortunately, have no thread. Also I cannot use strands of human hair to sew very effectively… but I have been practicing.
Scene III, One Week Later at the Doctors
[“Scene III, One Week Later at the Doctors” sign is held]
Noblewoman: Thank you doctor, your bloodletting and my prayers and the position of Jupiter have saved me from this horrible catastrophe.
Doctor: Well, you’re rich, so it’s my moral obligation to give your life a higher value then the common stinky French peasant.
Scene III ½, One Week Later at the Barber
[“Scene III ½, One Week Later at the Barber” sign is held]
[Peasant #2 runs in]
Peasant #2: Barber, you [does the finger quote thing] “operated” on my brother a week ago and he has died!
Barber: Well, he was a lonely French peasant; I had no moral obligation to save his live, other then cutting his arm off. I did, however, give him a nice haircut, highest fashion in Paris you know.
Peasant #2: May God release His wrath upon you for this terrible sin!
[“The End” sign is held]
All characters on stage yell: Look, the moon is out!
Co-Authored by Nathan Shepard
Scene I, French Stupidity
[Corresponding sign is held]
French peasant #1: Did you get the hemlock poison liked I asked for?
French peasant #2: Oui, I have it in my stinky pocket, next to my stinky cheese. Have you found the well, monsieur?
Peasant #1: Oui! I have chosen the one right beside our camp.
Peasant #2: Brilliant! No one would suspect that we’d poison our own well. We French are so smart!
Peasant #1: To make us seem even more innocent, we shall blame the Jews. [Evil French-like laugh]
Peasant #2: Oui, it is a fool-proof plan, not even us French could mess it up.
Scene I ½, Jews Get Blamed
[Corresponding sign is held]
Peasant #3: Oh boy, I am as thirsty as… [Thinks] … a French person. I shall take a drink from the French well, surely it will be the cleanest. [Drinks from well and falls to the ground]
[Peasant #1 and #2 run over to the well and Peasant #3 springs up and grabs one of their arms]
Peasant #3: The water! [Dies]
Peasant #2: It is the Jews who have killed our beloved French brother. They have poisoned our water! Now we have to dump him in the stinky mass graveyard, because that is what happens when you die in the Middle Ages during a plague.
Scene II, The Doctor
[Corresponding sign is held]
Noblewoman: Doctor, I have drunk from the French well, and now I am terribly sick… terribly sick! [Cries] You must give me a remedy for my sickness.
Doctor: I could give you some medicine [Frowns] or we can try bloodletting! [Laughs maniacally]
Noblewoman: I have prayed for mercy from the Virgin Mary and the saints to get rid of the evil spirits. Doctor I want you to do whatever is the most painful procedure, I am a delicate and dainty noblewoman.
Doctor: [Laughs maniacally] Then there is no option other then [Pause] bloodletting! But first we must wait until nighttime.
[Sign with “Nighttime” is held up]
Doctor: Look, the moon! Because the moon is at the Waxing Crescent Waning Gibbous phase and because it makes a 312 degree angle with the North Star and the fact that today is Tuesday, I shall let your blood, madam.
Noblewoman: Oh my word, you are the most intelligent person I know. I feel safe now. I will now let you let my blood. Surely I will be cured of my sickness now.
Doctor: To begin the bloodletting procedure, gouge your forearm on this stake that is inside this Evil-Spirit-Collection Device, patented by Doctor Merlin himself.
Noblewoman: Oh! Pretty!
Scene II ½, The Barber
[Corresponding sign is held]
[Peasant #1 walks into the barbershop]
Peasant #1: Bonjour, Barber, I am a poor French peasant who has drunk from the usually clean French well. But although I am plague invested, I really want a haircut. I don’t want to leave an unstylish corpse, you know.
Barber: I shall cut your hair, but first I will cut your forearm to get rid of the bad blood, and cure you of the Bubonic Plague.
[Barber attacks Peasant #1 with overly large scissors, resulting in the loss of the peasant’s entire arm]
Peasant: You cut off my arm!
Barber: ‘tis but a scratch, and at least all the bad blood is gone. I’ll throw in a free haircut, because you are poor and cannot have the doctor sew your arm back on and I unfortunately, have no thread. Also I cannot use strands of human hair to sew very effectively… but I have been practicing.
Scene III, One Week Later at the Doctors
[“Scene III, One Week Later at the Doctors” sign is held]
Noblewoman: Thank you doctor, your bloodletting and my prayers and the position of Jupiter have saved me from this horrible catastrophe.
Doctor: Well, you’re rich, so it’s my moral obligation to give your life a higher value then the common stinky French peasant.
Scene III ½, One Week Later at the Barber
[“Scene III ½, One Week Later at the Barber” sign is held]
[Peasant #2 runs in]
Peasant #2: Barber, you [does the finger quote thing] “operated” on my brother a week ago and he has died!
Barber: Well, he was a lonely French peasant; I had no moral obligation to save his live, other then cutting his arm off. I did, however, give him a nice haircut, highest fashion in Paris you know.
Peasant #2: May God release His wrath upon you for this terrible sin!
[“The End” sign is held]
All characters on stage yell: Look, the moon is out!
